Embracing Inclusivity. Q & A with Bobbie

Q & A with Bobbie:

-What inspired or motivated you to embark on your transformation journey?

This question is easy to answer. It’s because I am Bobbie, and I was never comfortable as my old self. Getting to the point where that realization is accepted and embraced is the first journey, which can take some people, like me, decades.  Thankfully the idea of being transgender is more common knowledge among the young and in society in general, and it is far more widely accepted than it has ever been, hopefully making the journey for those who follow their hearts less turbulent. 

The moment I fully embraced being Bobbie was during the first lockdown in June of 2020 when I had to sit down with myself and be as forthright and challenging as I had ever been. It took a few weeks of out-loud conversations with myself, tears, and tantrums, and using the tools I had learned from several years of therapy and dealing with mental health issues that nearly claimed my life. Those tools didn’t work at the time as we were addressing the wrong issue. When I turned those tools onto my identity, everything fell into place and made sense to me. Bobbie was the result of chipping away at Robert’s identity until she emerged from within. She was always there, just hidden under the veneer of him that had been forced as an identity from childhood.

In 2022, I decided that I could no longer carry on living the life I was living and in the summer of 2023 Robert was packed up and put away and Bobbie was truly born in totality.

-How have you found support and community throughout your journey?

I didn’t have any real support at first. I didn’t know where or who to turn to. I had a few people online that I would exchange a few messages with, but that didn’t really help me.. It was only after my return from a life changing holiday the support online started to progress and I found the more I opened up the more support I received.. Within a few weeks, I was meeting other people like me, some one-on-one, others at a trans club friendly club. It was then that I found understanding, friendship, and, most importantly, respect for my journey and who I truly was. That support is still for me today within the trans community.

With regards to the non-trans community, I have had nothing but good reactions from those who knew him and now know me. It has been a revelation. I am yet to bump into anyone by accident who knew me before, though I’m sure it will  eventually happen. The world is not that big and certainly can’t contain me now!  As for how you reacted to me, I don’t need to tell you how that went or how wonderful it was for me to have that reaction from you. Since I began, I have been looking for places to go to meet people like me, and a mental health care professional that I was seeing through my doctor’s surgery pointed me to and referred me to The Outhouse in Colchester, where I have made some great friends and met some wonderful people. Colchester has a massive LGBTQA+ community and social status.   I would love to have more friends who are not part of the LGBTQA+ community, but that will take some time. He could never make friends…I can and will.

-Have you discovered any unexpected challenges or joys along the way?

The procedural red-tape and bureaucratic hoop-jumping has been annoying at times, but as I took time out of tutoring to focus on my transition, I have been able to deal with that effectively and quickly. Mostly it has been fine, but the occasional mis-gendering does get to me and I haven’t always reacted well to that. Having said that, it has always ended with getting the problem solved. It has taken me less than 3 months to officially change my name and gender everywhere it needs to be done, including the NHS issuing me with a new NHS number (as well as cervical cancer screening appointments and breast cancer screening appointments, which I have had my surgery deal with. That did make me laugh). New driver’s license and passport both gave me a reason to smile. That was true joy, seeing me, my name and gender in black and white, so to speak, on official identification documents. Procedural difficulties I have usually found to be solvable, so rarely call them challenging. 

The biggest challenge so far has been dealing with the mis-gendering by people who don’t care that they are doing it. I must be careful when that happens because I feel my blood boiling and start to feel enraged. I have had to write to various organisations to complain about being mis-gendered on purpose.  It is a shame as recognition and an apology would swiftly defuse and resolve the issue.  It enrages me, and although I can deal with it emotionally, there are those who cannot.  Oh, and changing rooms in certain stores where they have male and female sides can cause all sorts of dramas!   As for procedural difficulties, I have usually found them to be solvable, so I rarely call them challenging.  Dealing with human attitudes and behaviour is.

-How has your relationship with yourself evolved throughout this process? 

 This is probably going to be the most difficult as it’s hard to know where to begin. My story is one of challenges. From as young as I can remember I’ve faced abandonment, bullying, huge identity struggles, feelings of worthlessness and despair. Two broken marriages, several failed relationships and two children who have been impacted by my bad parenting.    However, over time, with a lot of soul searching I have discovered my true self, I’ve learnt to embrace ‘me’, finding inner strength to overcome historic thoughts of self harm and to confront societal expectations.  Through self discovery and acceptance I have found pride, confidence and a determination of steel to live authentically, despite obstacles.  I conclude with a message of gratitude to those who have paved the way for transgender individuals like me to be able to live their lives  and to those who follow in my footsteps. I encourage them to embrace their  true selves without fear.  To know that you WILL find support and love.  Be proud.  I am! 

-Can you share any favourite beauty or self-care rituals that have become important to you? 

Hair removal! I’ve been having my back and shoulders waxed for 4 years now and have always used cream to get rid of hair on my legs and chest, and various other places of course. This has to be the most time-consuming ritual I have. It is also the most important, in terms of how I feel about myself. That feeling of having a regime and being smooth makes me feel more feminine.  I use Vaniqa cream for facial hair (something the Gender Identity Clinic recommends for trans women). I now have my legs, back and shoulders waxed every 4 weeks, which stops the need for me to keep on top of my legs, and I can focus on what is left. I also have my eyebrows  shaped by Izzie 4 weeks.   With the prospect of  hormone therapy I’m anticipating a reduction in body hair . It would be lovely to not have to go through all the rituals, but I’m also realistic and prepared that for all women trans or non trans hair removal is never permanent.   

 –How do you express your identity through fashion or personal style? 

• Expressing identity through fashion and style is crucial, ensuring I see myself as me in the mirror.
• Daily makeup routine is a must, with adjustments for outings.
• Outfits are coordinated and carefully planned, from hair to shoes.
• Enjoyment of wearing mini skirts and dresses balanced with stylish trousers.
• Height is considered, with efforts to visually break it up. Accessories like belts enhance outfits and break up height visually.
• Evening rituals involve planning attire for the next day.
• Makeup and nail care contribute to enhancing femininity.
• Self-care includes counselling for specific reasons.
• Alarms set for sufficient sleep, with no set wake-up time unless necessary.
• Limited use of social media to avoid toxicity.
• Focus on weight loss and body positivity.
• Asserting gender identity when mis-gendered.
• Prioritizing time at coffee shops, reading, and nurturing friendships.
• Gratitude for fortunate circumstances and perspective on life.
• Consideration of adding moisturizing rituals to routine.
• Potential delay in adding rituals until after eye and nose surgery.
• Gratitude for living in a country where being transgender is not illegal.
• Financial stability eliminates worries about bills and aids in funding transition.
• Perspective on life helps maintain happiness and gratitude.

-What advice would you give to others who are considering or beginning their own transformation journey? 

Transitioning to your authentic self involves practical steps to align your physical appearance with your identity. Discovering your style through experimentation with clothing and makeup is key to expressing yourself authentically. Seek tutorials and makeover sessions to learn about makeup application and find the right products for your everyday look. Embrace trial and error, understanding that mistakes are part of the journey towards self-discovery and self-expression.

Changing your name and gender marker legally is a crucial aspect of affirming your identity. Utilize resources like Deed Poll offices to officially change your name and initiate updates with banks, utility companies, and government agencies. Follow legal procedures for gender recognition, including filling out required forms and obtaining witness signatures. Engage with healthcare providers to update official documents like driver’s licenses, passports, and NHS records. Prioritize tasks and pursue changes systematically to ensure a smooth transition process.

Live authentically during this transformative period, asserting your presence and identity in the world. Celebrate your journey towards self-acceptance and self-expression, embracing every step forward with confidence. Remember to advocate for your rights, including updating your voting registration, and seek support from communities and allies along the way.

For a full unedited transcript of this Q & A blog please get in touch.